How to Make Friends in the U.S. as an International Student?
Recently I surveyed my Facebook Group members, asking them “What’s your biggest challenge as an international student?” “Making new friends” got the most votes.
So I thought it might be helpful to share a bit of my experience when I was an international student and provide some insight.
I didn’t know anyone when I first came to the U.S. in 2006.
It was actually kind of exciting for me in the beginning - the naïve me didn’t know how lonely and homesick I was going to feel as I actually started living by myself in New York.
I felt my American peers and I were living in two parallel worlds: I was following news in Taiwan, whereas they were talking about shows in the U.S.; I was eating Chinese takeout almost every day when they were eating pizzas, sandwiches, or salads; I went home to an empty apartment when they met up with their friends/family for dinner...
I was lucky to be paired with a mentor from China who was a couple of years ahead of me in school.
Through my mentor, I met my first American friend who also lived near school and who went out of his way to help me get up to speed with school and living matters. Through his introduction, I began working at the school clinic where I got to meet more students and faculty members, and I started spending less time alone in my apartment after school.
I tried to go to parties and holiday celebrations whenever invited, even when it meant I had to learn to navigate the complicated NYC subway system and its ever-changing train schedule and didn’t reach home until 3-4 o’clock in the morning.
I took most of the opportunities I had to meet new friends - both friends from back home, international students from other countries, as well as local Americans. I looked up activities and events nearby and asked if anyone wanted to join me.
As I made more friends, I started to invite them to my place for special occasions or to spend holidays together.
Looking back, it was a long, lonely first couple of years of my time in the U.S., when sitting in the class watching my American peers talking among themselves, when looking out my apartment window and watching my neighbors gathering together with their family and friends during the holidays.
But time flew by, when I started to focus on how I wanted to live my life, how to arrange my schedule when I didn’t have school, and how to spend fun and quality time with friends.
Nowadays, I maintain contact with friends I met in school, in internship, in the neighborhoods I’ve lived, and in the events and conferences I attended over the years.
If you’re having trouble making friends in the U.S., you’re not alone. Here’re 3 mindsets + 3 channels to consider:
3 mindsets:
#1. Set reasonable expectations:
Making friends in the U.S. can be different from making friends back home in that you need to be “intentional” about it, especially when you don’t know anyone around you and when there are cultural or language differences. Know that it takes time to make friends and build your social network from scratch in a new country. Trust that with intentional efforts, friendships “will” happen over time.
#2. Befriend both people from similar backgrounds and local Americans:
You will need both sets of friends. When you feel homesick or need to take a break from speaking English or from using your brain too much when you are trying to relax, hanging out with friends from the same or similar backgrounds will bring you ease and comfort. At the same time, making friends with your American peers or local Americans will help with your sense of belonging in this country. Start with just making yourself comfortable having “small talk” with local Americans over general topics such as weather, news, local events, etc. Observe how Americans make small talk with one another and practice doing it whenever you get a chance. As you become more comfortable in conversing with Americans, you might encounter some people with shared interests or a personality that clicks with yours, friendships can then develop from there.
#3. Keep an open mind:
Social events and activities in the U.S. may take different forms than those in your home country. I know it can sometimes feel unnatural and even “weird” to do what local Americans do when hanging out. Keep an open mind and make sure you are safe when exploring these activities. For example, I personally didn’t drink alcohol, but bar/drinking culture was quite essential to social activities in the U.S. that it’s almost impossible to not ever touch alcohol when meeting my American friends sometimes. So I would go to the bar with friends I trusted and knew that I was able to get out of it if I didn’t feel comfortable. If you’ve explored some of these things and determined that they are not quite for you, know that Americans socialize in other ways as well - You just need to take your time finding those who like what you like!
3 channels:
#1. Work on campus:
Working on campus is a great way for you to come into contact with peers and school people you otherwise might not have a reason to. It gives you a reason to show up in a setting outside of class on a regular basis where you can form work relationships with your colleagues.
#2. Join school events, groups of interest, and local events:
Colleges and universities usually have groups available for students from different ethnic or cultural backgrounds, for international students, or for students who share certain common interests. Visit your school website or ask your international student advisor about them. Connect with these groups’ social media accounts and stay informed about their activities. You can also explore off-campus events. Look up websites such as meetup.com or google local events open to the public. You might meet people you click with and eventually become friends with them! If you belong to a certain religion, you can also find a local religious group or community you want to join. No matter what you choose to do, remember to use caution and good judgement when you venture out.
#3. Invite friends to get together:
Yes! I encourage you to consider asking your friends out for meals or activities. Inviting them and their friends over on special occasions, such as your birthday, important festivals/holidays in your culture, etc, is a great way to strengthen the friendship, for your friends to learn about your culture, and provides potential opportunities to expand your social circle.
As with many things for international students, making friends requires “intentional efforts.“ Know your needs, implement some of my suggestions, and trust you will get there!
About The Author
Fourteen years ago I came to the U.S. from Taiwan and studied in a field that rarely accepted “fresh off the boat” international students from non-English speaking countries. I’m Dr. Vivi Hua, Psy.D. and I help international students learn how to navigate the U.S. educational system and feel comfortable with the American culture so they can succeed academically and socially in their lives and careers!